eighty-two

and what can i say
that has not been said before?
mind racing through summer recollections
everything falling into the already fell
there was you, and work, and missing places
heat and rain, (smiles and pain)
and all of life is circling
everything becoming new, becoming old

i thought something would come
but nothing sticks
and it seems it's time
for a change of scenery

eighty-one

flowers, trees
pretty blue skies
all mine, all mine

maybe i'll take my car out
for a spin
we'll ride down these placid streets
everything perfect
and the world has shadows
(we avoid)
don't speak, don't speak
stay here

and all that history shit
it's not important
because my life is so good
and nothing else matters
life is hard from heartache
bad dreams that fade with morning
and i've got big plans

survival of the luckiest

eighty

when I close my eyes
galaxies arise
the blackness deepens to a foggy gray
all that was has gone away

fan blades pause as I adjust
abstract myself from neuroscience
bags of sand melt into boxes of space
music musings
skin and all that was wrong with you
pour it in and all spilling, full.

CONSTRUCT YOURSELF
CORRECT YOURSELF
all will flow like acid, eating through metal
and every time I think
my, my, you should compose yourself

‘fuckin’ chill, man”
lost in a dark alley, sharp pull of scream
tears
senses cued for thought arrivings
shiver and stirring,
moved.

floating through fields of gilded gold
clouds, heaven
wait for it
wait for it

coming

there.

seventy-nine

things i'll miss about work:
yummy sourdough bread
rob the bartender
wendy darling
my new busser friend
old people that tell me i'm beautiful
having to wear a skirt
having to wear all black every day
incentive to look pretty
rich the manager
lunch after my morning shift
(pasta pesto and a field greens salad)
john mayer over the speakers
doodling on the wipe board
secretary work
making fun of people
the desperate valets
guys hitting on me lots and lots
discussing atlas with mina
zach the host
the cute cook that always smiled at me
talking in spanish
getting cut early (sometimes)
the paycheck every friday

things i won't miss about work:
fucking meri goldstein ohmygodihatehershe'ssofuckingdumb
mary nay, who's fat and ugly and always pushed me out of the way without saying excuse me!
diana, that stupid bitch
mina, that condescending bitch
danielle, that fat, manipulative, whiny, stupid bitch
corporate bullshit that managers make up on the spot to feel controlling
jamie's chauvinism (and he wasn't kidding)
bratty servers that complain all the time
dumbass jock servers that expect me to worship them
feeling ugly when i didn't have time to shower
having inconvenient shifts that prevented me from doing anything
all those damn picky customers that ask for another table and i have to smile and act like it's the greatest thing i've ever done to seat them somewhere else
the terrible music they play (besides john mayer)
bree, that damn bitch that thinks i'm 17 and that photography is "cute" (!)
cece, the man woman, because s/he always calls me "miss thing" in its gross voice
cleaning out the ashtray
chef john, because every time i would walk by he would say "smile" WHEN THERE IS NO ONE LOOKING AT ME GOD DAMMIT HOW DOES SOMEONE SMILE EVERY GODDAMN SECOND OF THE DAY
meri goldstein, again, because she cares so much about her fucking fake nails, and her hair was always frizzy and she's making me confuse my tenses
the fact that mina made $2.50 more than me just because she's a bitch and everyone's scared of her
styrofoam cups everywhere and nobody ever recycles!
stingy to-go people that never tip even when i carried your food out to your car in the heat when i had 800 other things to do i hate you in your stupid convertible
the alleged cool group that all hangs out together and comes into staff meetings hungover so everybody knows they hung out together atabarallnightbecausethey'realcoholicsandaredoingnothingwiththeirlivesexceptworkingatbrio! fuckers



i'm glad i did the good things first
because remembering all of this shit
put me in a bad mood

seventy-eight

i never thought i'd say this
but i hate the words
"i love you, too"

i don't want your obligation
i don't want your automated response
i want you and you and you
spontaneous,
on fire,
completely honest
you.

"i love you, too"
is everything i didn't want from love
it's the "it was nice to meet you"
for people who know each other very well
and saying it so quick and passing
like you didn't even have to think about it
that's the worst
because i start to think
it's lost something

i don't say i love you
because i want a response
and i hope you don't either

(but don't think i'm mad
there are worse things that have happened)

at least, there's this
on monday
we say it in person
oh! darling
soon enough

seventy-seven

oh!
how i do despise
good things in bad packaging.

i've been scared of us
i know we talk of it,
but i still worry
she says she wants him around
misses him when he's gone
and i thought,
"i'll only be missing my solitude."

but tonight,
alas! sweetly sleeping
and you did not wait up for me.
but no, don't be upset
it's wonderful
because now i realize
i miss you
and i'd kinda like you around
and when you're not
i won't feel quite the same

it's like the whole day
i'm waiting to be myself again

darling, don't you see?

seventy-six

this is so
monumentally
fucked
up

that you would go so far
as to take him from me
don't you see what you're doing?
i don't back down
and your schemes won't make it easier
what are you so afraid of?
that you might just be wrong?
well you are
you're so fucking wrong
even if you weren't before
you are now

and that you would take it away from me!
that you would even think of it!
you would ruin my entire life
and i would never forgive you
not ever
how oppressive,
that you would resort to taking
the one thing that i love more than anything
and you knew i'd comply
at the mention of it being gone

you are so much less of the man i thought you were
do you know how much i used to love you?
i thought you were flawless

it seems
there comes a time
in every girl's life
when she realizes that
her daddy is not the man
she wanted him to be

i didn't want to see it
i didn't want to see it

but it's staring me in the face

seventy-five

i hate those people
that are so damn lovable
that you hate them.
but i guess it balances out because
i hate them in the end
so it's still like i really hate them
and that middle-love thing
doesn't really exist.
but it has to exist
because without the love,
i wouldn't hate them.

oh, you! and your stupid interesting blog
you don't even know i exist
god, i'm such a loser.

in other news,
i have a week left
yes, a week from today
and nothing has any closure
and i know it won't
i'll just leave all of you
without so much as a goodbye
and you'll hold it against me
just because i don't like to admit
that things are good
and over

i still have graduation presents to make
(uuggghhh)
and packing
and those last visits before departure

sometimes, i wonder
what's the point?
why does everyone feel such a necessity
to say hello and goodbye again?
it seems as useless as making a bed
that you'll sleep in

i don't believe in endings

seventy-four

i'm sorry
i'm so sorry
i didn't think i'd miss you
but now you're gone
and i hate it

you were always there
just that presence
and when you finally started caring
do you even know how much it meant to me?
i know i got mad
but i love you
i've always loved you
even though i can't say it

and it seems things weren't what you expected
i'm sorry they made you so mad
(i know it, they make me mad too)
but they miss you
i know she regrets it
(finally!)

i'm sorry for every movie i never watched with you
and i'll look at anything you have to show me
i'll come out with you and your friends
we'll go shopping for movie costumes together
(we never did go to thrift stores)
i'll even buy you moe's
as long as you come back

make us a family again

seventy-three

so i had a pretty bad day.
but does it matter?
no.

because i'll be in boone
in a week.
and a week is something i think i can stand.

do what you will, cruel world
i'm almost gone