twenty

sometimes
the one thing that gets me through the day
is the thing that ruins everything
and i sleep, unsatisfied

why is it
that the moment i say that i trust it
it falls apart in my hands?
everything crumbles
wet sand falling in heaps
splattering with a thud
and i'm not left new again
but old and tired and empty
i didn't think you'd let me down
and it seems you have

i'm so tired of fucking games

nineteen

my brother
has all the potential in the world
but sits around
making excuses about
why he cannot work today.

and i
with everything given to me
say that it should have been so
say that i don't need anything else
just so i won't have to try to get it.

i see things in others
that i'm blind to in myself
until the moment comes
when it's there, staring me in the face
and so i pretend
like it never really mattered


i am so
so
flawed.

eighteen

i bet
if i spilled drinks on all my customers
got 8 speeding tickets in a row
had to live through 300 degree weather
and never ate mashed potatoes again
i could call you
and it would be ok.

people always give me
bad advice
and say all the things that are
the last things i want to hear
but with you
it's just different
and everything you say
i'm swallowing down like medicine
because you make it better

this
is
what
i've
been
waiting
for.

seventeen

everyone is afraid
of something
of each other
of me

i'm scared of you, too.

sixteen

fuck.


things are never as good
as they seem.

fifteen

it's
so
damn
hot
in this fucking city
it's like a never-ending
sherman's march;
the whole place
is on fire.

even when it rains
water just melts into steam
and the sky turns to haze
it's not even blue

when you shower,
you don't dry off
you just stay that sticky wet
and you always feel dirty
because the windows rolled down
aren't nearly enough

and so i have to stay inside
this manufactured cool
when all i want is just to
get
out
of
here

fourteen

everything feels
a little more abstracted
when you're not around

the music fades and
all is left
in silence
and i can't bear
to change things

time pulls itself along
and in these days when i should
hold on to every moment i have
i find myself
wishing them all away
waiting

we don't seem to be very good
with goodbyes.