twenty-five

you
make
me
happy.

twenty-four

when all has faded
every thought of compliance
every ounce of me that thinks that i should be here
when every desire to stay has been drained from me

i fall apart.

i crumble under the weight of time
counting days
hours
minutes
seconds
every part of me wishing
i was somewhere else

get me out of this fucking city
i hate all of its stupid bullshit
i hate these damn rich people with every whim fulfilled
by me, all smiles and sorry's because i need the cash
i hate the traffic and the heat
sweltering exhaust turning the air into some shifting desert mirage
my only oasis is far, far away.

i just figures
the one chance i get to leave
falls through
and so i'm stuck
like a fly in a spiderweb
like a bird in a cage
like a little girl with no place to go

you tell me the time will pass quickly
that i should enjoy myself, it's summer!
summer with friends constantly vacationing
summer with work
work
fucking work
summer with a car without air conditioning
summer five hours away from the only place that could satisfy me
and no way to get there.

FUCK
FUCK
FUCK
FUCK

i am so angry.

twenty-three

i never hold on to anything
too tightly
because i always feel
like it's already gone

twenty-two

hi.
i'm china.
i have a huge-ass fucking wall
all the way around
and nobody gets to come inside
except me.

there are troops stationed
at every post
waiting for you to try and enter
they'll shoot you
right in the knee, where it hurts
and you won't die,
you'll just lay there
bleeding

and i'll laugh
in my
big
lonely
palace
all by myself.

because companionship
does not happen in china.

when no one knows you
they don't know how to hurt you
when no one calls
they can't hang up
and when no one cares
i don't have to, either.

twenty-one

the
rain
falls
and
things
become
new

we always have a chance
to start over

sometimes words form in my head
and i can't hold on to them
and those moments that feel like poetry
stick in my head
incomplete in the silence that clouds them
i wish i could remember everything i wanted to say

if i could capture those moments
with arms outstretched and heart lurching
when all i am is feeling
you'd see it
you'd see it right there
and everything i am would come shining out
the first rays of sun over the horizon
and i'd finally understand what i am

and maybe i'd see that all i am
is just those silences inbetween thoughts
all i am is a girl soaked in rain
splashing through puddles
kneeling before the world
that i can't hold onto
that i can't let go of