fifty-seven

instead of cleaning my room
i search the internet
for appropriate lyrics
to use as my away messages

one day all of these wasted moments
will catch up with me
and i'll wonder where my life went
lost in useless quests,
tired fights and frozen thoughts

i'm digging through my memories
to try and find parts of things i love
to paste them up for all to see
but it's all just empty darkness
because i don't know my favorite places anymore
and they are less mine than ever before

when are you coming home?
when am i?
when will i be able to just live, right now
what will it take?
when will i start doing what i should
and stop doing what i shouldn't?
when will i stop looking for definition in everything else
but myself?
when will i be able to love without hurting
or be satisfied without consumption
or listen without speaking
or sit without listening
or work without complaining
or learn without being stubborn
or write without holding myself back?

when will i stop screaming out definition
in a hopeless plea for recognition
and self-knowledge?

when will i live
without questioning?

fifty-six

this is why
i love my life:

i just went backpacking
and the mountains are still flowing through me
i'm working and making money and therefore
i went shopping today and bought fun things
my hair is blonde again
my brothers love me
i'll be in boone before i can say
"wow, i'm actually enjoying myself"
watts and i go on dates, twice a week usually
layton and i do lots of fun things together
the new coldplay cd is excellent
my boyfriend is an amazing person
i'm reading my favorite book ever (again)
ben folds is coming to atlanta for free next week
i'm about to go to starbucks and enjoy some goodness
i laid out today and got tan
i can make lists that make me seem really shallow, but i don't care
because i don't have to impress anybody
because i already have so many people in my life that know i'm the shit.

yeah, be jealous.

fifty-five

i received a package today
my whole fucking soul, still wrapped up
RETURN TO SENDER
and it's all i thought wouldn't happen.

you know what?
fuck you.
i might be unreasonable
but you might be an asshole
and thinking i wanted to share myself with you
might have been the worst mistake i've made yet.

you're right.
it's all just a
big
fucking
waste of time

and i don't have time to spare

fifty-four

it's not that there was ever anything anyone could have said
but there is so much more than just pictures
and everything you feel the minute of waking
and all of the dreams you're leaving behind

i wish it was easier than this
perfect parcels i'd mail to you and all of me inside
and i'd never have to leave an address because
you wouldn't return to sender
it seems that it's a selfish wish of mine
but it's all i can give, and more than all

are you up for the taking?
all the parts of you i want to feel are mine
and everything stretching, crying, scurrying from light
i'll pull it out and examine
because i can't get enough, i can't ever have enough of you
and there's a fine line between the moment i think i'll hear your voice
and the moment your answering machine kicks in
but it's everything, right there

what's changed?
why does everything feel so important now?
you are the grecian god, complete in all your flaws
and still perfect
is this all because of absence?
or a step toward something more?

and sometimes i worry
that the more i like you,
the further abstracted from me you'll become
and all i want
is your closeness

fifty-three

i can't even write about it now
because my toes are still numb
i haven't showered
and my lower back feels like it just birthed an 80 pound fetus.

there's dirt under my fingernails
my hair is so dirty it doesn't move when i touch it
my legs are red with scratches
and i can't turn my head without my neck reminding me
that it hates me
my whole body hates me

but loves me
because i took it on the best trip of the summer
because when i push myself to my limit i feel
so
fucking
alive

and all those mountains and trees and sky
and you and jokes and trail mix
and sweet, sweet, mountain spring water
and the whole earth that you can touch right in front of you
because it's yours, it's all yours
even though you're the closest you could ever be
to realizing that no one could ever own it

and it's sunsets from mountain tops
and the fog that settles over the bright white moon
and the wind on your sleeping bag
and the rock that cradles you
and the song of the hills that sings you, softly, to sleep
and it's everything i need

it's every part of me that says i love love love love everything about it
all that precious silence and solitude
and the side of me that just doesn't give a fuck about socks and hiking boots and shorts
because i am me! and i am complete!
and i have everything i could ever need
and everything to survive, right there on my back

it's every fall that makes you stronger
and every push that gets you to the top
and every view that makes it worth it
and every memory i'll never forget

thank you, thank you, thank you!
it was the best birthday present i could have gotten,
and it wasn't even mine.