ninety-six

I’ve become almost
obsessed
with honesty.

Convincing myself that people are
lying to themselves
and in turn, to me
because they have not come to terms
with what they really are–
I silently laugh and say
“You’re so full of shit.”
Because it makes me feel good
because I think that I am honest.

But the truth is...
Do you really want to hear it?
I’ve been so afraid to say

I’m afraid
I’m afraid of not being cool
I’m afraid that I’m lying to myself
and running through my head so many
truths
that are in fact
lies
right now, even
I’m trying to sound poetic
when all I really want to say
is that there isn’t anyone I like
because I tell myself I don’t like them
because I’m afraid!
I’m afraid I will like them!
I’m afraid of replacing old friends
I’m afraid of moving on
I’m afraid of investing!
I’m afraid of working toward a fulfilling relationship!
I’m afraid that I’m not really very selfish at all
that I do care very much
and I’m just afraid! To show it

often, in pictures
when someone wants me to pose
I make a silly face
instead of smiling
because I’m afraid that
if it looks like I was trying to look right
I wouldn’t
and
in turn, I think that I
exaggerate my flaws:
my selfishness,
my opinionated, condescending
brutally honest self
because I don’t want people to see the good in me
I’m afraid I won’t see it in them
I’m afraid that they won’t see it in me
because the whole time, I’m begging for it

I’m begging for you to recognize
my absolute devotion to the growth
of you
I’m begging for you to realize
that I care more that I’ve ever let myself let on
because I am alive, and so fully
and sometimes I don’t want to be

being alive feels like falling

sometimes I see my psyche as layers
and layers of scars
scars of dishonesty and defense
and now
when I try to get beyond it
see myself for what I really am
explain to myself what I’m doing

I can’t
I’m scratching at the surface
is it all really so full of deception?
Are these people really having fun?
Do you really want to be doing that right now?
Do you wish you hadn’t said it?
Do you feel ashamed?
Vulnerable?
Empty?
Alone?
Unsatisfied, afraid, foolish?
I tell myself you do
I tell myself you do
so I won’t have to answer
so you won’t get to ask it.


last lines are good for
when I want to tie it up nicely
but I think that this process
is full of loose ends